i must have done something right

i spent 2 hours shoveling the ice-packed, snowy walkway to my front door today.  jack's generous offer to take out the garbage (which never happened) apparently didn't include shoveling the death trap of a front walk leading to 'the marital property'.  I had been put on notice by the postal service that i was endangering the safety of their deliveryman and all of my kids had fallen at least once trying to rush out the door to school.

it has been 3 weeks since it was last shoveled and i finally gave up the hope that jack was going to step up and do anything about it.  so armed with my snow shovel and ice melter i began chipping away at the layers of ice and snow.  my sweet 8 year old boy was shadowing me as i scraped and dug: asking me if it was too hard or if my arms were getting tired and taking the shovel from me several times to take a turn but always giving up and handing it back because he wasn't quite strong enough to push through the rock hard ice.  i reassured him that just keeping me company was wonderful and such a big help and let him continue to sprinkle the de-icer as i dug.

we finally finished under a dark sky and as we stomped our boots free of snow and entered the front door back into the warm house my little guy said:

'that kinda seems like a job that a dad should do.  i'm going to have to have a talk with dad and let him know that he's not being a gentleman.'

my heart flipped in both elation and sadness.  i fought hard not to cry and gave him the biggest hug i could until he wrestled out of my arms and ran downstairs to play wii.

lucky girl

i've been gone traveling for work.  yes~ i have somehow managed to keep my job despite having sloth like motivation and the brain functioning of a coma patient.   in fact, i've been so busy that my head has been spinning for the past 48 hours. it has been a welcome relief from the usual daily routine of dealing with jack's multiple personalities~ aside from missing my kids like crazy.  i returned from my trip feeling quite accomplished and a bit renewed only to find a petition for divorce waiting for me when i arrived.

i read it over and over again sifting through the legal formalities and jargon explaining in the most complex of terms the simple fact that my marriage was ending, crying harder each time.  i finally gave up, realizing i didn't know what any of it meant other than it felt damn shitty to read.  i figured i'd have to just pay my lawyer by the minute to translate it for me tomorrow.

i gathered my things then crept up the stairs to peek into my sleeping kids' rooms and found them curled up in bed, mouths open and cheeks squishy.  i couldn't help but steal a few kisses and snuggles, relishing in the sweet smell of their freshly washed hair.  i held each of their biscuity soft hands and smiled as they slept totally unaware of the knee buckling, heart stopping, breath taking power they have over my soul.

my god i am lucky.  i feel like tomorrow might be worth facing after all.

really?

i got a call from my attorney this morning.  she wanted to clarify jack & i's "alternative lifestyle" marriage.  unsure what she could possibly be referring to i asked her to clarify what jack & i's "alternative lifestyle" marriage was.

during her last discussion with jack's attorney it was made clear from apposing counsel that jack was insisting that he & i participated in an open relationship where we were free to have other partners.

"oh" i replied, "well that explains a lot..."

i guess i never got the memo.

game over

i'm getting sick of the game.  unfortunately it's only just begun.  and jack's just too damn good at it.

i decided after my conversation with jack last night that i was doing a whole lot better when we WEREN'T talking.  a quick assessment made it very clear that any interaction at all sent me into an emotional upheaval.  so when he began calling me at 4 am this morning i showed some real gumption and hit ignore then turned my phone off.  proud of myself,  i snuggled back into the covers and drifted back into now uninterrupted sleep.  i managed to go the entire day without hearing from him and was beginning to feel like i had made a good choice.  i actually felt good for a few hours.  then the text buzzed on my phone:

would you allow me to take the garbage out for you?


let the emotional upheaval begin.  was this from the same guy who less than 24 hours ago was sharing his desire to date other women??  i'm a bit unsure what game we are even playing... i just know that I want out!

so i guess we are dating

Just got off the phone with jack who was calling to ask how quickly we could finalize our divorce.  

He's afraid if we prolong it any further it will keep him in limbo and prevent him from dating a respectable woman.  Because, as he put it, any woman that he would want to be in a serious relationship with would need to be respectable and wouldn't be willing to date him unless he was actually divorced, not just separated.

He told me that he was upset that one such respectable woman had canceled a date they had set for 2 days from now when she discovered that his divorce wasn't final.  Clearly not thinking I asked him how he had managed to meet such a RW (respectable woman) so quickly.  He replied:

she was a flight attendant on my last flight who approached me and said 'hey gorgeous'

respectable woman indeed.