my loss

i've been wearing a lot of black lately.  i didn't quite realize this until a dear friend pointed it out one day as i strolled into my children's school in black leggings, black tunic and black boots.

i gave her comment a moment's consideration and arrived at the conclusion that i must be wearing black because of it's simplicity and neutrality.  black is safety.  you know it won't let you down.  no matter how many times you slip into that fitted black top, it still looks damn good.  black is generally accepted by everyone, it doesn't make a bold statement (or so i thought) it looks good with everything and it requires no thought... black with black, black with denim, etc.

i now realize i was wrong.  i wear black as a silent declaration of a loss of myself.  no longer the fearless girl in bright colors mixed with funky shoes and flashy accessory to finish it all off.  i've changed.  yes, it's happened.

i've become the angry bitch that can't get over her ex.  it's happened without me even realizing it.  i'm one of THOSE friends whose call you dread taking because you know it's going to be an hour long tirade of the latest bullshit and injustices that jack is inflicting.  i've become my divorce.  i realize it folks.  it's getting old, i know.  but somehow i can't help getting swallowed by it all.

so tomorrow i'll enter my closet, armed with this realization.  oh and please keep taking my calls...

a small victory

4 hours of mediation and we got through negotiating disbursement of approx. 1/2 of jack's commission bonus.  


the rest is supposed to remain in his account untouched. no new house for jack this week. 


however, we were unable to get the agreement officially read onto the record so, in essence, i currently have no enforceable order and until the formal documents (= $3000 in lawyer's fees) are prepared and presented, we are all at the mercy of jack's word not to spend the funds until we can attend mediation again next week.


any possible chance he will actually be able to refrain?  i can't wait to see what unexpected surprises arise.

the infamous in-laws

i'm quickly realizing that divorce is a family affair and when you add a dysfunctional one to the mix it becomes even more delightful.

my first encounter with the other side came in the form of a seemingly civilized lunch with jack's mom a week after jack moved out of my home and into hers.  we awkwardly chatted over salads and i tried hard to make nice~ after all it was quite gracious of her to try to care.  by the time our waiter brought the bill our conversation had erupted into a tear filled recap of her divorce from jack's father 10 years ago and her pleading for me to take jack back, after all he was so much better than his father because he actually admitted that he was sleeping with other people and STILL wanted to be with me.  i stared at her, horrified that she actually believed every word she was saying with a forced smile plastered to my face.  in the back of my mind i thought, my god i'm not THAT desperate... surely someone who isn't sleeping with other people will want to be with me~ a realization i guess she had never considered.  i thanked her for lunch and assured her i was still confident that divorcing jack and retaining some sense of self was the right thing for me to do.  i haven't heard from her since.

since then my contact with jack's family has been an assortment of phone calls threatening to take my kids if i didn't start playing nice, reminders that they have more money and can fight this a lot longer, threats for how i was going to regret messing with their family and other such pleasantries with the occasional incorporation of words such as slut, whore and bitch.  i had wondered where jack learned that it was quite normal to use such words to describe the mother of his children.  the majority of these calls coming with regularity from his brother, who is also living with jack's mom, just finalized his divorce and quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support.  he and jack have revived their once strained relationship so that they could keep each other company at various night clubs every weekend.

i guess i should be grateful though that one of jack's sisters finally reached out to me today for the first time since jack and i split.  she sent me an email stating that she was sorry for what has happened and wanted me that know that she wasn't judging me.  whew.  what a relief.

now presenting...

managing a divorce is a rather time consuming and office-supply-intensive affair.  it requires lots of file folders, highlighters, printer cartridges, cell phone minutes and brain power.  i'm starting to feel like i need to go beg my doctor for a prescription of adderall just to retain all of the information i need to argue against all of the bullshit that jack is trying to pull.

since november i've been tracking everything~ each $ spent, our catty email exchanges, each day that he doesn't bother to take our kids to school, etc, etc. and i feel like i now need file folders to organize my file folders and i'm sure i am now the proud owner of the most extensive collection of highlighters that one could ever hope for.  i've invented several new highlighting colors by layering 2, sometimes 3 colors over each other to carefully categorize the absurdity of what jack has been spending.

yes folks, it's getting ugly.  (not that it was all that pretty before)

things have been less than cordial up till now, but this week we're talking money and jack is convinced he is taking his to the grave.  jack is due to receive a rather large commission check on friday and i think it's only fair that he pay the bills before he spends it elsewhere... silly me.  apparently he has made big plans to purchase a new home and needs some serious cash for a down payment.  um. where to begin with that one.

ironically, he scheduled the closing on this new home for the day that the check hits his account.  i guess he was hoping that if all the money went out the same day it came in that maybe we could all pretend it was never really there?

coincidentally we are scheduled for our first mediation that morning as well.  i guess jack was planning to show up to discuss disbursement of his commission wearing his best p p p poker face.  what a fun performance it would have been watching me carefully review all of my highlighted files and calculations for who owes what to whom and when it should all get paid, knowing that he had already spent it.

i'm wondering if it would be overkill to pull up to mediation blasting Lady Gaga's Poker Face dressed in leotard and stilettos?  i think it would really add to the spectacle that this discussion has seemingly become.

my spoiled milk

loved this analogy that one of my friends shared with me after she attended divorce education classes...

'many couples think that they might be able to reconcile post divorce.  don't plan on it.  consider your relationship a carton of spoiled milk.  leaving it in the fridge and coming back later doesn't change the fact that it has soured nor will trying to remove the curdles.  in the end it's rotten and it will still taste and smell rancid no matter how hard you try to fix it.'

back again.

i've been traveling yet again.  this time i was gone for over a week.  a mixture of pure bliss and agony.  the crazy pace of my work schedule was welcome relief from the insanity of my real life but i carried a heavy weight deep in my tummy each day that i was gone from the kids.  jack was nice enough to pick and choose the days he felt like he wanted to be with the kids and our nanny picked up the slack.  bless her poor, burnt out soul.

8 days later i returned home to a frazzled nanny who had been dealing with sick kids (jack had meetings and couldn't care for them) the doctors appointment i set up from the road to treat the pink eye infection our youngest showed up at school with monday morning after spending the weekend with her doting father AND the aftermath of jack's decision to keep the kids home from school the next day when he called and demanded that she care for them~ completely oblivious to the fact that it was her birthday.  i apologized profusely and gave her a paid day off in hopes that she wouldn't just throw in the towel and quit on me.

i had lofty aspirations for how i would spend the next 4 days with my 3 darlings.  we gathered around the kitchen table and made lists of all the things we could do together.  reading picture books that had been gathering dust, playing wii, making forts with the couch cushions, and breaking out the paints they had gotten from Santa.  we all agreed on bacon and eggs for breakfast, pancakes for lunch and french toast and sausage for dinner.  we also vowed to spend the entire weekend in our pajamas.

it was heaven.  pure syrup~sticky heaven.

gee, thanks.

jack showed up to our son's basketball game tonight with a gap shopping bag and proudly handed it to me.

i opened it to discover 2 pairs of blue school uniform pants in my oldest boy's size.  jack smiled and expressed with deep concern that he had noticed that the knees were worn on our son's uniform pants last time they were together so he wanted to buy him a few new pairs.

wow.  i'm sure this makes up for the fact that he has yet to pay child support.

oh, my bad...

i guess this week was all about taking charge and working through a few lingering anger issues.

i decided to email my son's tutor (and cc jack) when i received this month's bill and noticed she hadn't been paid since november.  i mentioned that jack and i were in the process of a divorce and he had ceased paying all bills.  i apologized and asked her if we might modify the current tutoring schedule since i wasn't comfortable with her rendering services without payment any longer. etc. etc.  we exchanged a few emails and discussed a plan for paying when jack and i had worked through the finances, each time making sure we continued to cc jack.  of course he declined to join in on any of the communication.

first thing the next morning i had an email from my lawyer who had forwarded a complaint from jack's lawyer.  it read:

it has come to my attention that ms. jack has claimed she has no money to pay her son's tutor.  jack would like her to refrain from sharing information about his financial situation with others.

i laughed out loud.  yep~ i'm sure he doesn't.  perhaps he was a bit embarrassed?  mission accomplished.

 

miracle diet

i am wondering if my stomach will ever feel normal again.  it has had to endure a constant state of turmoil for several weeks now and i'm beginning to worry.  my stomach aches every time i think of leaving my kids, gets nauseous any time i look at food, and seems quite content to reside in a state of what can only be described as knotted so tight that i have trouble breathing... and let's not even mention the violent wrenching it experiences whenever i let my mind wander to what jack has been doing or may currently be doing as i write this.  to make matters worse every time i have to see the jackass my stomach jumps ship from it's normal position and makes itself right at home somewhere in my throat while my heart simultaneously beats in hard, piercing pains.

whatever chemical signals hunger to my brain has just stopped even trying to bother... it knows it's not getting through.  i've lost any color in my face, my eyes are red from lack of sleep, and yet the good news in all this is that i've managed to lose that 5 pounds that i've been nagging at since the birth of my last baby. well i've actually lost that 5 plus another 10 i didn't realize that i had to lose.  i don't know if innocent passerby think i'm hooked on meth or just extremely hungover.

one such passerby who clearly hadn't gotten the memo or else couldn't see the gigantic "going through a divorce" sign that seems to be stuck to my forehead complimented me by asking me what i had been doing to lose weight.  she casually laughed as she asked what diet i had been on- she'd love to try it.

i replied... "oh yeah it's a fail proof diet~ it's called 'discovering your husband has been sleeping with prostitutes for the past ten years diet'  it works like a charm.  the weight drops off in record time" a bit shocked she answered, "um, maybe not.  i don't think i want to give that one a try"  yeah i thought, well, neither did i.

a little devilish...

did some early spring cleaning in our garage today.

we HAD a rather large collection of furniture in there from our last move.  i would anticipate that jack might need the furnishings at some point for his new place.  i took the liberty of doing a bit of 'reorganizing'.  i smiled all day thinking of how i might respond when he opened the garage door the next time.

furniture? what furniture?  oh my, i thought you had come and picked it up.

i must have done something right

i spent 2 hours shoveling the ice-packed, snowy walkway to my front door today.  jack's generous offer to take out the garbage (which never happened) apparently didn't include shoveling the death trap of a front walk leading to 'the marital property'.  I had been put on notice by the postal service that i was endangering the safety of their deliveryman and all of my kids had fallen at least once trying to rush out the door to school.

it has been 3 weeks since it was last shoveled and i finally gave up the hope that jack was going to step up and do anything about it.  so armed with my snow shovel and ice melter i began chipping away at the layers of ice and snow.  my sweet 8 year old boy was shadowing me as i scraped and dug: asking me if it was too hard or if my arms were getting tired and taking the shovel from me several times to take a turn but always giving up and handing it back because he wasn't quite strong enough to push through the rock hard ice.  i reassured him that just keeping me company was wonderful and such a big help and let him continue to sprinkle the de-icer as i dug.

we finally finished under a dark sky and as we stomped our boots free of snow and entered the front door back into the warm house my little guy said:

'that kinda seems like a job that a dad should do.  i'm going to have to have a talk with dad and let him know that he's not being a gentleman.'

my heart flipped in both elation and sadness.  i fought hard not to cry and gave him the biggest hug i could until he wrestled out of my arms and ran downstairs to play wii.

lucky girl

i've been gone traveling for work.  yes~ i have somehow managed to keep my job despite having sloth like motivation and the brain functioning of a coma patient.   in fact, i've been so busy that my head has been spinning for the past 48 hours. it has been a welcome relief from the usual daily routine of dealing with jack's multiple personalities~ aside from missing my kids like crazy.  i returned from my trip feeling quite accomplished and a bit renewed only to find a petition for divorce waiting for me when i arrived.

i read it over and over again sifting through the legal formalities and jargon explaining in the most complex of terms the simple fact that my marriage was ending, crying harder each time.  i finally gave up, realizing i didn't know what any of it meant other than it felt damn shitty to read.  i figured i'd have to just pay my lawyer by the minute to translate it for me tomorrow.

i gathered my things then crept up the stairs to peek into my sleeping kids' rooms and found them curled up in bed, mouths open and cheeks squishy.  i couldn't help but steal a few kisses and snuggles, relishing in the sweet smell of their freshly washed hair.  i held each of their biscuity soft hands and smiled as they slept totally unaware of the knee buckling, heart stopping, breath taking power they have over my soul.

my god i am lucky.  i feel like tomorrow might be worth facing after all.

really?

i got a call from my attorney this morning.  she wanted to clarify jack & i's "alternative lifestyle" marriage.  unsure what she could possibly be referring to i asked her to clarify what jack & i's "alternative lifestyle" marriage was.

during her last discussion with jack's attorney it was made clear from apposing counsel that jack was insisting that he & i participated in an open relationship where we were free to have other partners.

"oh" i replied, "well that explains a lot..."

i guess i never got the memo.

game over

i'm getting sick of the game.  unfortunately it's only just begun.  and jack's just too damn good at it.

i decided after my conversation with jack last night that i was doing a whole lot better when we WEREN'T talking.  a quick assessment made it very clear that any interaction at all sent me into an emotional upheaval.  so when he began calling me at 4 am this morning i showed some real gumption and hit ignore then turned my phone off.  proud of myself,  i snuggled back into the covers and drifted back into now uninterrupted sleep.  i managed to go the entire day without hearing from him and was beginning to feel like i had made a good choice.  i actually felt good for a few hours.  then the text buzzed on my phone:

would you allow me to take the garbage out for you?


let the emotional upheaval begin.  was this from the same guy who less than 24 hours ago was sharing his desire to date other women??  i'm a bit unsure what game we are even playing... i just know that I want out!

so i guess we are dating

Just got off the phone with jack who was calling to ask how quickly we could finalize our divorce.  

He's afraid if we prolong it any further it will keep him in limbo and prevent him from dating a respectable woman.  Because, as he put it, any woman that he would want to be in a serious relationship with would need to be respectable and wouldn't be willing to date him unless he was actually divorced, not just separated.

He told me that he was upset that one such respectable woman had canceled a date they had set for 2 days from now when she discovered that his divorce wasn't final.  Clearly not thinking I asked him how he had managed to meet such a RW (respectable woman) so quickly.  He replied:

she was a flight attendant on my last flight who approached me and said 'hey gorgeous'

respectable woman indeed. 

therapy...

just got home from therapy.

boy my therapist has quite a cushy job.  i have a standing weekly appointment.  granted, it takes quite a bit of patience to be my therapist BUT it certainly doesn't take much thought.  at this point if she can just maintain drilling the same common sense concepts into my brain each week she's a big help.

each week the same:

we spend the first half of my appointment surveying the damage that I have done for the past week.  pretty much going down the list of things we discussed the week before and me reporting how I have managed to do the exact opposite of what she recommended without even trying.

the last half of the appointment is establishing "the plan" for the next week.  how to respond to jack when he's being too pushy.  how to set boundaries and stick to them.  how to inflict the least amount of damage possible on my poor innocent children, and so forth.

so I opened my therapist's door ready to enter the real world, armed with this week's plan, my head filled with all the motivation and best intentions.  i didn't even make it to my car before jack called and i began giving my therapist and I a lot to talk about in the first half of our next session.

houston, we have a problem

I knew the second I hit the send button I had made a mistake.  a carefully scripted, cheery text message sent to my entire address book at exactly 12 AM:

happy new year to all!  here's to a new beginning in 2010. xoxo

yes, jack is still in my address book. shit.

woke up ready for my new beginning this morning to discover 37 missed calls and a new text message.  all from jack.   the call log took several seconds and my eyes bulging from my head to scroll to the bottom of.  the barrage had begun at 5:55AM and had continued every few minutes until he apparently gave up 3 hours later.

can't tell you how pleased I was that I had left my phone in the kitchen when I finally trudged off to bed last night.

the crown jewel to this disaster of course being his text message:
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.  Call me ASAP.  Why aren't you responding to me?  I can't wait for our new beginning together.

oh lord give me strength.